What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 04:35
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I said to her
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why do I sometimes hear full conversations when I am alone?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Put me off passion for life!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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So whats the point in blame.
I could never make a relationship work though!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it wasn’t much.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Just sitting at home with this huge cock. Who can take care of it for me?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She married twice! .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She wouldn,t have been !
Why does Boko Haram attack its own Muslims?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I have no regrets .
My life is so biszare .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I don,t even have a pension.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My family never makes their pension either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I will be 64.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I think the readers, may guess!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But, we were locked up after school.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ive learnt so much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is soul school!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One cannot live in the past .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was seconnd youngest,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We all went to grammer schools
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I write beautiful poetry .
He knew the spot.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I waited trembling.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was in good health!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was very sick at this time too.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She found it foreign!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im still living with it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
All the time i was locked up.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Would this be the day?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So, i spoilt her more .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We were not on the streets..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It was going to be , some day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What did i know ?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Who then, do I blame.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Comes on , in middle age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And i lived it daily.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
When she asked me how she looked .
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was scared of men, in general
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She loved him until the end.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was 9 years of age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But ive been too sick for many years..